Freaks in the Corridor
by Genesis Woman
Summary: Darien Fawkes and Bobby Hobbes investigate weird goings-on at a Canadian corporation called AT & Love. Please R& R. :-
1. The Assignment

**FREAKS IN THE CORRIDOR**

_Disclaimers:  I don't own any characters from Kids in the Hall or The Invisible __Man.__  I'm just doin' this for fun!_

_Notes:  Takes place post "The New Stuff" (for I-Man fans) and for the sake of the story, I'm going to pretend the AT & Love buy-out never happened (for Kids fans).  Rated R for language._

"Gentlemen, your latest mission should you choose to accept it, and you _will," the Official began, cutting short the beginning of a protest from Darien Fawkes.  "It's a Fish & Game case, boys.  Eberts."  The Official turned to his assistant, who handed him two manila folders.  The Official held out the folders; Bobby Hobbes rose from his seat and took them._

"So what's it all about?" Darien asked skeptically.

"Holy shit!" Bobby cried.

"What?" Darien asked, looking through the case files.  All he saw were photos of American bald eagles and a vague reference to something called AT & Love.

"The very symbol of our nation is being threatened.  By Canadians, no less," the Official announced.  Darien stifled a laugh.

"It's not funny, Fawkes," the patriotic Bobby snapped angrily.

"Sure, it is," Darien chuckled.  "What do Canadians want with bald eagles, anyway?  I mean, _Canadians?  They're practically our brothers!  It's not like Canada's in such a state of moral decay like it is here."_

"Their reasoning for committing this crime is irrelevant," the Official retorted.  "All we know is that four American bald eagles were kidnapped from a wildlife reserve in northern California.  We traced the perpetrators to a smuggling ring working out of a corporation in Toronto."

"Is that what this AT & Love is?" Darien asked.  The Fat Man nodded.  "Do we have any suspects?"  The Fat Man shook his head.  "Well, this should be a piece of cake then."  He suddenly winced in pain and brought his palm up to his forehead.

"You OK, Fawkes?" Bobby asked.

"Yeah, it's just another headache," Darien answered and exhaled.

"Headaches three days in a row?" the Official asked.

"That's why I'm going with you," a British voice said from behind.  The Keeper approached Darien and looked into his eyes.  "Hm."

"What?  It's not like I'm gonna go Quicksilver mad anymore," Darien protested.

"I know, but it's only been a short time since I administered the suicide gene.  We don't know what the long-term effects will be," the Keeper explained.

"Look, all I gotta do is keep the Advil handy, OK?"

"Keep the Keeper handy too," she smirked.

"I got no problem with that," Bobby smiled.

"_You wouldn't," Darien said in a low voice._


	2. Enter AT & Love

The next afternoon, Darien, Bobby and Claire the Keeper headed through the lobby of AT & Love.  When they arrived at the front desk, they noticed it was empty.  Darien could see movement in a room behind the desk.

"Hello?" he called out.  "We need to speak to somebody."  Just then, a young boy wearing a suit and tie, a green baseball cap on his head and carrying a backpack emerged from the room.  He had dark brown hair and his wide blue eyes blinked rapidly behind a thick pair of glasses.

"Hello, can I help you?" the boy greeted them.  The three Americans were floored.

"Um, you work here?" Darien asked.  "Aren't there any child labour laws here in Canada?"

"No and yes," the boy answered.

"If you don't work here, then what are you doing here?" Bobby asked.

"I'm doing an experiment for school," the boy explained.  "I'm trying to prove that third-graders are just as capable of doing the same job that an adult who dropped out of high school and has no aspirations to climb the corporate ladder can do."

"Oh" was all Darien could say.

"What's your name, sweetheart?" Claire asked sweetly.

"It's Gavin," the boy answered.  "And normally I don't like to be called 'sweetheart' because it sounds patronizing, but coming from you it sounds really nice."  Gavin snickered and turned away shyly.  Claire smiled.

"OK, Gavin.  My name is Claire," she said.  "These two men are agents Darien Fawkes and Robert Hobbes.  We need to speak to someone in charge."

"You're agents?  Can I see some identification, please?" Gavin asked them.

"Sure, kid," Bobby said as he and Darien flashed their badges.

"Are you spies?  Or agents for the CIA?" Gavin asked.

"No, we're with the Department of Fish & Game," Darien answered.  Gavin blinked, unimpressed.  "So can you take us to whoever's in charge?"

"OK," Gavin agreed.  "Follow me."  He stepped out from behind the desk and led them to an elevator corridor.  An elevator door opened and the four stepped in.  As they stood silently Bobby looked at Gavin, who was practically as tall as he was.

"How old are you, kid?" he asked.

"I'm eight," Gavin answered.

"You're pretty big to be eight," Bobby observed.

"My teacher says I'm going through a growth spurt," Gavin explained, and eyed Bobby up and down.  "Looks like you didn't go through much of a growth spurt, eh?"  Darien laughed, Claire bit her lip to keep from giggling.  Bobby frowned at the three of them but said nothing.  The elevator door opened.  "This is your stop," Gavin announced, standing firmly in the elevator while the three Americans stepped out.

"Aren't you coming with us?" Claire asked.  Gavin just stood in his place as the doors closed.

"Wha…?" Darien said.  The looked around and found themselves in front of the only elevator in an endless corridor.  Darien looked at the wall—no up and down buttons for the elevator.  "It looks like we're trapped here."

"Don't say that, Fawkes," Bobby groaned.

"Well, might as well try to find what we came here for in the first place," Claire suggested.  The three began to walk through the hallway.  Darien stopped in front of a door marked "Personnel."

"Let's see if anyone in here can help us," Darien suggested.  He opened the door and cautiously stepped in.  He found himself in a roomful of cubicles.  He could hear keyboard activity and the whispering voices of women.  "Hello?  Can somebody help me?"  Two heads popped up from a partition.  One was a blonde woman with a pageboy haircut; the other was a short brunette with wavy, poofy hair and wore large glasses.  The came out from behind their cubicles, both with wide smiles.

"Hello," the brunette greeted him.

"Hi!" the blonde said.  "I'm Cathy, and this is my co-worker Kathie.  How can we help you?"

"Um, I need to find whoever's in charge here," Darien said.  Before they could say anything, a taller woman with long, permed blonde hair interrupted them.

"Hi," she said to Darien and stood right in front of him, purposely blocking Cathy and Kathie.  "I'm Tanya.  Do you need help with something?"  Tanya smiled widely; behind her, Darien could see Kathie angrily mouth the word "temp" to Cathy.  Cathy mouthed back the word "slut."  Together they mouthed "temp slut" and nearly laughed.

"Yeah, can you tell me who's in charge of this company?" Darien asked.

"Sure," Tanya drawled.  "It's—"  She was cut short by yet another woman.  This fourth woman was slender with short auburn hair and piercing blue eyes.

"What's going on here?" she snapped.  "Who is this man?"

"Oh, Elizabeth!  This man was just looking for the CEO," Kathie explained.

"Well, he's obviously not here," Elizabeth retorted.

"But I need to—" Darien began nervously.  Elizabeth grabbed him, shoved him out the door, and slammed it in his face.  "Dead end," Darien said sheepishly to Claire and Bobby.

"That much is obvious," Claire smirked.  They continued down the hallway.


	3. Buddy's

Each door the three opened turned out to be more dead ends:  supply closets or empty rooms.  Finally they came to a door simply marked "Buddy's."

"Maybe you should knock this time, Fawkes," Bobby said, smiling.

"Ain't that the truth," Darien agreed.  He knocked firmly on the door.

"Coming!" a sing-song male voice answered.  The door opened, behind it stood a blonde man wearing tight black pants, a white ruffled shirt and a sequined vest.  "Hello there," he greeted them demurely.

"Hi, um, we were wondering if you could help us," Darien said.  They man eyed him and Bobby flirtatiously; he ran his finger over his moist lips all the while barely acknowledging Claire.

"Sure, come on in," he said and held his hand up to stop Claire from entering.  "Sorry, no women allowed." He then closed the door in Claire's face.  He took Darien and Bobby by the arms and led them into what appeared to be a bar.  The bar was full of male patrons, many of them dressed in tight pants and shiny shirts.

"Hey, what about our friend?" Darien asked.

"She'll be fine," Buddy replied.

*~*~*~*

Claire was stunned when the blonde man shut her out.  She folded her arms across her chest and decided to wait.  As she looked ahead, she suddenly smelled something strange.

"Cole slaw?" she wondered aloud.  Before she could turn around, a hand grabbed her and pulled her away.

*~*~*~*

"Welcome to Buddy's, gentlemen.  I'm Buddy Cole, owner of this fine establishment," Buddy declared.  "Have a seat."  He brought Darien and Bobby to a table where another man with short black hair sat, passed out on the table.  "What can I get you to drink?"  At that, the man at the table raised his head.

"Shooters!" he slurred drunkenly.

"Not you, honey," Buddy said, and the man at the table passed out again.  Darien and Bobby stared in wide surprise.

"No thanks," Bobby declined politely.  "I think we're good to go."

"Listen, Buddy, we need some help," Darien said.

"I'm all ears," Buddy smiled.

"Who's in charge of this place?" Darien asked.

"_Me, silly!" Buddy laughed._

"No, not the bar.  I mean, who's in charge of AT & Love?" Darien clarified.

"Oh, _that!  If you want to speak to the CEO, you gotta head straight down that hallway where you came from and look for the door marked 'AT & Love CEO'," Buddy answered.  Darien and Bobby sighed in relief._

"Thanks a lot, my friend," Bobby smiled.

"Oh!  He called me 'my friend'!" Buddy swooned.  "Any time!"  Darien and Bobby got up and headed back to the door.  They could both feel the leering stares and smiles coming from the other patrons as they walked by.  They exited through the door, and were surprised to find an empty hallway.  The door closed behind them.

"Where's Claire?" Bobby asked.

"Let's ask Buddy," Darien suggested.  He turned back to the door only to find that the word "Buddy's" had disappeared.  He gingerly opened the door and found an empty room.  Bobby peered inside.

"Where's the bar, Fawkes?" Bobby asked.

"I don't know," Darien answered slowly.  He slammed the door shut.  "What the fuck is going on in here?!"

"Calm down, Fawkes.  Maybe she's in the ladies' room.  Maybe she found the guy in charge."

"Yeah.  Let's keep going, then.  We'll catch up with her later."  They continued their bizarre trek through the hallway of AT & Love.


	4. And the freaks just keep on comin'

Claire struggled in the chair she was tied to.  Her mouth was gagged, so screaming or whining weren't options.  She looked around the room; two large men clad in black stared at her.  She sighed and closed her eyes.  Suddenly that weird odor she'd smelled before was back.

"Hello there," a snarky voice said.  Claire opened her eyes and before her stood the most repulsive thing she'd ever seen…

*~*~*~*

"Wait a minute," Darien said, stopping front of an unmarked door.  He leaned in closer.  "I hear somebody in there." 

"Good.  Ask 'em how much farther we're gonna have to wander in this goddamn Wonderland maze," Bobby grumbled.

"I'm gonna do my disappearing act first.  I don't wanna run into anymore weird people," Darien said.  He gave the Quicksilver gland a mental nudge.  The Quicksilver liquid trickled out of his pores until it covered his whole body and rendered him invisible.  He opened the door and quietly stepped in.  What Darien found was a motel bedroom with two cheaply dressed women and a gaudily dressed man.  One woman was blonde and rather big-boned.  The other woman was slender with spiky black hair and was much prettier, like a younger Isabella Rosellini.  The man was skinny with long curly black hair; the thing that caught Darien's eye about this man was the money he was counting in his hands.

"Nice job this week, girls," he said smiling.

"Sure thing, Rudy," the blonde said, chewing gum.

"Don't try to cheat us out of our share," the dark-haired one hissed in a foreign accent.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Jocelyn," Rudy protested, dripping with insincerity.  "Tell her, Maudre."  Maudre, the blonde, kept chewing her gum and eyed him skeptically.  "Hey, do I look like the type of pimp who would fuck you over?"  The two whores just stared.  "OK, OK!  Here's your cut.  Fair's fair."  He divied up the cash and handed the women their pay.  The whores each stuck the money in their bras.

"I got a john waiting outside," Maudre said.  She went to a door near the bathroom and opened it.  "Holy shit!"  She pulled the john into the room.  To everyone's surprise (and to Darien's horror), it was a man wearing only a black thong.  His hands and feet were cuffed together, and his face was hidden behind a muzzle.  Total S&M gear.  "It's the freak!"

"Hello," the john said pleasantly.

"Oh, you were the high school teacher who helped Rudy, were you not?" Jocelyn asked.

"Yes, that was me," the john replied.

"Oh, good to see ya!" Rudy cried.  "I passed the test and got my diploma!"  All three smiled wickedly at him.

"Oh crap," the john said.

"Yup.  I told ya if Rudy passed that we'd beat the shit outta you," Maudre reminded him.  Jocelyn removed a knife from her garter, Maudre put on brass knuckle rings, and Rudy picked up a baseball bat.

"Oooohhh…" the john whimpered.  Darien decided to save the john.  He ran over to the three, knocked them all down, and ran back into the hallway.  He slammed the door shut and un-Quicksilvered.

"What'd you see?" Bobby asked.

"You don't want to know," Darien panted.  He opened the door and peeked in—it was empty now, just like the bar.  "Let's keep going."


	5. Answers (and not very good ones)

_Note:  I took the liberty of lifting—er, recycling a KitH quote or two.  ;-)___

After a long walk, Darien and Bobby finally found the door marked "AT & Love CEO."  Darien stood in front of the door and held up his hand as if to knock.

"Go ahead, Fawkes," Bobby said.

"No!  You go first this time!" Darien cried and moved away.  Bobby rolled his eyes.

"Relax, Fawkes.  We made it.  We're in like Flint now," Bobby assured him and knocked on the door.

"Come in," an annoyed voice called from inside.  Bobby opened the door, and the two agents stepped in.  A heavy-set sat behind a large desk.  His bald head was surrounded by graying light brown hair, the same as his moustache.

"Can I help you?" he asked them.

"Yeah, we're federal agents from the United States government," Bobby said, as he and Darien showed the CEO their badges.  "We need to ask you some questions."  The CEO sighed.

"What is it?"

"Are you aware, sir, that a smuggling ring has been traced back to one of your employees?" Bobby began.

"I beg your pardon?" the CEO snapped defensively.  "And just what are these smugglers smuggling?"

"American bald eagles," Darien answered flatly.

"What?  Why are federal agents so concerned about birds?" the CEO chuckled.

"We're from the Department of Fish & Game," Bobby explained.  "Four American bald eagles were kidnapped from a wildlife reserve in California.  We believe the perps are AT & Love employees."  The CEO's mouth hung open.

"That's ridiculous!  It can't be!" he cried.

"Oh yes it can!" a snarky voice cried out.  The three men stood up as a short man with a cabbage on his head strolled into the room.  Two large men dressed in black followed him, with Claire in between them.

"You!" the CEO growled.

"_Me!" Cabbage Head shot back._

"You two know each other?" Darien asked.  The CEO just glared as Cabbage Head lit up a cigar.

"Go ahead, say it!" Cabbage Head dared him.

"He's…  He's my…" the CEO sputtered.

"Brother!" Cabbage Head finished.

"_Half-brother!" the CEO corrected him._

"But how?" Darien asked, instantly regretting the question for fear of learning the answer.

"My father had an affair when I was a boy," the CEO explained angrily.  "He and…  Oh, it's just too disgusting!"  Cabbage Head walked over to him, puffed on his cigar, and blew smoke in his face.  The CEO coughed.

"You stole those eagles, didn't you?" he accused Cabbage Head.

"Yes, I did!" Cabbage Head answered defiantly.  "I'm going to sell them to make a profit and buy out this company!  And then _I'll be boss around here!"_

"You wouldn't!" the CEO cried.  Cabbage Head pushed him out of the way, sat in the CEO's chair, and crossed his feet triumphantly over the desk.  He put two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly.  The door behind Darien and Bobby opened and four more large men in black entered.  One grabbed the CEO, the other three grabbed Bobby and Darien.  Cabbage Head leered at Claire.

"Dance for me, Sexy."  At first Claire scoffed, but then an idea formed.

"Of course," she smiled.  One of the large men guarding her gave her a CD.  She thanked him oh-so-sweetly and looked around for a CD player.  She found a stereo behind the desk, popped the CD in and pressed "Play."  The song "Be My Lover" by La Bouche began playing loudly from the stereo.  Claire began dancing about the room.  She twirled around, shook her hips and her booty, and whipped her hair about.  Both Bobby's and Cabbage Head's mouths dropped open as the attractive British scientist danced around seductively.  She drew closer to Cabbage Head as the song ended.  She sat on his lap and placed her hand gently on his thigh.

"Did you enjoy that?" she breathed into his ear.

"Yeah," he whispered and guided her hand further up his thigh.  When Claire sensed the opportunity, she grabbed his crotch and dug her nails in.

"Gah!" Cabbage Head screamed and dropped his cigar.  The large men charged towards her.

"Don't come any closer!" she warned them and dug in even more.  Cabbage Head screamed louder.

"My baby gherkin!" he cried.  Bobby, Darien and the CEO tried not to laugh.

"Now," Claire whispered viciously.  "If you want to be able to sire any wretched spawn, I suggest you give us what we want."

"OK!" Cabbage Head choked.  "Anything, I swear!"

"Tell us where the eagles are," she hissed.

"They're in a warehouse by Cherry Beach!" he screamed.

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, it's true!" he pleaded.

"One more thing:  You and your goons are under arrest," Claire said.  Cabbage Head said nothing.  She dug her nails in firmly.

"OK!  OK!  I give up!" he cried.  Satisfied, Claire let go and stood up.  Cabbage Head fell to the floor, grabbing his crotch and whimpering.  Claire looked at Bobby and Darien.

"Well?" she said to them.

"Oh, right!  You're under arrest!" Bobby said to the large men.

"Thank God that's over with," the CEO sighed.  "Thank you.  Now get the hell out of my office!"  The three Americans led Cabbage Head and his men out of the room as the CEO took his seat.

"Oh wait—how do we get out of here?" Darien asked him.

"There should be an elevator to your right," the CEO answered impatiently.  He hit the intercom on his phone.  "Nancy?  Tell Nichols to bring me a cup of coffee."  The others disappeared, and a slim man with dark hair entered the room with a cup of coffee in his hands.  "What took you so long, Nichols?"

"Here you go, sir," Nichols said, suppressing a smile, and handed the boss his cup of coffee.  The CEO took a sip as Nichols fought to keep from giggling.  The CEO looked at him and put his coffee down in disgust.

"Oh!  You made this coffee naked, didn't you?!  Ah, the labors of some poor Columbian boy, tainted by your perversion!  Get out!" he barked.  Nichols laughed as he left the room.


	6. Police Department

**CHERRY****BEACH****, ****6:55 PM******

"So what'd you think of all the hubbub this afternoon?" the tall cop asked his partner.

"Pretty exciting," the shorter cop answered.  "American feds on the trail of a nefarious smuggler.  Ya don't get that everyday."

"Boy, the blonde they were with sure was pretty, eh?" the taller cop smiled.

"Yup," the shorter cop agreed.  They both sipped their coffees.

"What was up with the tall one's hair?  Jesus, did you see that?" the taller cop laughed.

"I don't know.  It's a cool look," the shorter cop admitted.

"But not for you."

"No, I guess not."  They sipped their coffees again.

*~*~*~*

BACK AT THE AGENCY…

Darien sat in the old chair in the Keep.  Claire approached him, with his test results in her hand.

"So what's the verdict?" he asked.

"It's just stress," she answered.  "I've convinced the Official to give you a few days off to take it easy."

"Paid leave?" Darien asked, with a tinge of hope and sarcasm in his voice.

"Uh…"

"I didn't think so," he sighed.  "Man, after all that happened I don't think I'll be able to get much rest."

"What do you mean?"  
"I mean the freak show called AT & Love!"

"Trust me, that's something _all of us won't soon forget…"_

THE END


End file.
